Season 5, Episode 6 Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places

[theme music] Hiyah! Hiyah! Ooh-ha! That was fun You're a way better babysitter than Darlene

Oh yeah? Yeah, you let me out of my room Hey, I love these games We used to play them all the time back in Iowa Without electricity? What? Darlene says there's no electricity or lights where you come from, but that's OK because you can't read anyway Oh, yeah, well, what else did she say? You guys keep chickens in your kitchen and kill them with your bare hands

Oh really? Yeah Well, there's one part I don't get How can someone's sister be their mom? Hey Hey Hi, Molly

Hi, David You can go now OK, um, just tell your mom she can pay me tomorrow What, you didn't get the money upfront? Well, you'll learn Well, she better pay, because we're saving up so we can get us one of them talking picture boxes

Excuse me? Oh, you know now that we got electricity Bye-bye now Why thank you, David Sleep tight You're about to become a strange smell in the attic

What are you smiling about? (LAUGHING) Nothing Oh, come on You don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious I don't know I guess for some guys, it'd probably make them feel, you know, like a man

I can make you feel like a man, David Take out the trash [theme music] [laughs] We're back! Come on, come on, I've been holding it in since the Illinois state line Hey, you drink the big gulp, you suffer the consequences What a riot

I haven't been in the flatbed of a pickup since I don't know when It's a totally different experience sitting up, ain't it, Jackie? Darlene! DJ! Here it is, Iowa's best-selling sandwich comes to Lanford Onasis had ships Hilton Head hotels We got loose meat

[laughs] What reeks? Your future Yeah, that smells about right I can't believe you guys drove all that way just to copy some greasy diner Well, if we're gonna be successful in business, we're gonna have to steal the idea from somebody You should've seen it, Darlene

People were shoving loose meat in their faces as fast as they could get their hands on it Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table and let them gnaw till they're full? Hey, don't step on my buzz, OK? This means a lot to me I would like to have something to show for my life besides stretchmarks I'm sorry I just can't believe we're gonna make money by clogging people's arteries with the fat of poor slaughtered animals

Cool, isn't it? Yeah, don't knock it till you've tried it, Darlene Come on Take a bite for Daddy Yoohoo Come on, Darlene

All the really cool kids are doing it You would be so popular if you did All right, get that thing away from me I'm not gonna eat some animal's face You don't eat the face

You mount it on the wall as a tribute OK, I've sketched out their floor plan I say we stick to the original as best we can, because whatever they're doing works I'll tell you one thing we're gonna do differently We're gonna put a lock on the bathroom and a door

DJ! Darlene, do you know if he ate dinner? Oh, I don't know, I think Molly probably took him out back and slopped him Well, would you please go up and get him? 'Cause I want him to come down, taste one of these sandwiches Oh, did Molly say how much I owe her for babysitting? You know, funniest thing, she said she couldn't take money for helping us out It wouldn't be neighborly What a nice girl

DJ! Mom said that she want– Oh, I'm sorry, Deej I didn't know you were asleep Like I'm really gonna buy that, you stupid little loser What are you up to? Nothing Yeah, well then what's this? I was looking at the stars

Hmm Oh, well, would you look at that? There's a constellation in the shape of a naked next door neighbor I wasn't watching her You were peeping at Molly She's your babysitter, you little pervert

I didn't do it I hate girls You know what happens the next time you do it? I'm telling Mom and Dad And then you get hauled off to jail where peepers like you get their eyelids sewn shut so they can never peep again All right, go downstairs

Mom wants you to try a loose meat sandwich It's punishment enough for now I knew she stuffed Well? Yeah, what do you think, Dan? Did we get the recipe or not? Fruity yet bovine, an impudent little sandwich Bingo

Yes! It's great It's just kind of hard to eat Well, see, therein lies the beauty You drops half of it on your lap, and then you're forced to buy another one I'll take another one

Coming right up [giggling] What? It's just so neat, you know, being in the kitchen with my guy all hungry, waiting for food Yeah, it really is neat, you know And if you play your cards right, you get to do it three times a day every day until one of you dies OK, now we've got the recipe, and we've got the money

And Nancy's out looking for the place, so that means that so far we have the recipe and the money So what we need now is a real catchy name How about Lanford Custom Cycle I know where you can get a sign real cheap No, something real catchy like Sandwiches and Stuff

Lunch and Munch Eat and Go Beef and Barf All right, let's think about this then Meat, beef, beefy, bun, sandwich, sandwich bun, the Sandwich Bun

I don't have anything What's the matter with you, DJ? You guys are in there doing all this stuff about the restaurant, and I don't get to do anything Oh, I'm sorry You know, it's your restaurant too You can do whatever you want to do

Cool, I get to name the place! Well, uh, DJ, it's– Mom says I get to name the restaurant Great, from the boy who named his goldfish Fluffy Hey, he couldn't do any worse than us Go ahead, Deej Give it a shot

The Lunchbox That's pretty good Lunchbox it is Way to go, Deej Yeah

Lunchbox Hi, guys, guess what? We found a place – All right! Great! Because we got a name, and we cracked the recipe Yeah, yeah, here, taste it, Nance No, no, wait, me first

This is Kerry Thompson, the realtor who's been showing me around DAN: Hi, Kerry Hi – Tell them about the place – Oh, OK

You know the Pizza Palace on route 42? Yeah, that's the place with the mural of the Last Supper but everyone's eating pizza Really, the place is OK Tell them it's OK It's OK But we have a problem

Tell them we have a problem We have a problem I don't think guys have enough money What are you talking about? We have $30,000 Well, you know, I mean, have your accountant crunch the numbers, but I haven't heard of anyone opening up even the smallest place for under $40,000, $45,000

Not even if we skimp on the health codes and stuff? Now, I'm just being honest Well, we're screwed There's no way any bank's gonna loan us a dime But you didn't let me finish There's a thing we can do

Tell them about the– Would you stop that? I was telling Nancy that we might want to try the Small Business Administration Now, it's this government office where people like you can go and get startup loans to get your business going They're never gonna give us any money Sure, they will We have a legitimate idea

We'll just go in there and tell them the truth Sounds great We'll go down tomorrow Tomorrow? I can't come up with the truth by tomorrow Donald Bobeck

Donald, that's a friendly name A lot of friendly Donalds– Donald Duck, Donald Sutherland, Donald– that girl's boyfriend He was so friendly What was his last name? Could you shut up? What are you so nervous about? Hollinger What? That girl's boyfriend's last thing was Hollinger

Oh great, well, could you just keep that under your hat until they ask Look at this pamphlet here It's got this whole section on minorities It says they give special consideration to businesses run by women That's it

That's our angle We're women I say we go with it Thank god we all brought our ovaries with us [laughs] Hi there

Sorry to keep you waiting Oh, that's OK We're all real patient, being women and all Mrs Conner and– – Ms

Harris – Just Nancy Now, why don't you tell me about this business you want to start? Well, OK, well, it's a restaurant, see But more A lot more

We're gonna serve loose meat sandwiches Loose meat? Yeah, well, it's kind of like early on when McDonald's just started, you know, because all things are based around this kind of hamburger thing, only ours looks really weird But then you could buy chips and pie and stuff And pop In cans

Interesting Have any of you had previous experience in running a restaurant? – Oh, yeah Yeah I have I was, well, the best waitress at Rod Bells

But, you know, I should have been put up into management but they kind of held me back because I'm a woman And you, Ms Harris? I have hold meet I have eaten meat Nancy? I'm gonna have to take a pass on this one, Don

Which, of course, we all know is a woman's prerogative [laughs] Well, we do have special provisions for minorities and the handicapped I assume none of you are handicap I have three kids [chuckles] I'm in therapy

Mhm And what bank will you be going through? Oh, we're not going through a bank, Don! That's why we're here No, no, no, no I don't think you understand You see, what we do here at the SBA is guarantee the loan

You still have to get the money from the bank Oh, so why do you call it the Small Business Administration for? Why don't you call it the "get your own damn money" administration Mrs Conner, don't get excited Well, now, we came to you to get some money

So, do you guys have any money or not? Well, we almost never give direct loans The government changed the rules Now we make a deal with the banks so that if your business folds, the bank will get most of its money back Well, that sucks So you're in business with banks

What– what about us? You know, banks have tons of money We don't got any JACKIE: No, don't blow it, Roseanne This guy can help us get a loan if he wants to recommend us Will you recommend us? Not likely

Based on our criteria, we consider you [sighs] a bad risk I'll tell you what a bad risk is That's you sitting across this desk from me calling me a bad risk JACKIE: Forget it, Roseanne You know, the SBA to help people like you don't know nothing about people like us

The trouble with people who work for the government is y'all have jobs [doorbell ringing] [knocking] Yes? I think you should know I was in my room getting ready for bed, and I saw your brother watching me Again? Again? Yeah, I caught him doing it about a week ago And you didn't do anything? Yeah, I told him he wouldn't get much money for the pictures I told him to stop

Thanks a lot for all your help Look, what was I supposed to do? You could have told me Oh, I forgot You're not from these parts Well here in the big city, when you change in front of an open window, you're not just amusing the sheep

Darlene, what do you have against me? Nothing I just feel that we're at that point in our friendship where you should realize that we don't have one I mean, what did I ever do to you? Is this because David flirts with me? I think you have that backwards You're the one always pulling the touchy feely routine every time he's around Look, I was just trying to be nice

Well, he's not used to being treated that way, OK? All right, look, maybe I came on a little strong the other day, but I was mad at you Just trust me I'm not interested in David, OK? Yeah right And I'm sure David doesn't like me I know that

I didn't say he liked you I said, cut the boy toy crap OK I know he doesn't like you! Fine! Fine! So anyway, are you gonna do something about your brother? – Yeah, I'll take care of it – Well, I hope so

Because he could grow up to be a really disturbed individual You don't understand here, Molly This is the most normal thing he's ever done Hey, at least you tried Yeah

I guess now I'm back to trucking Yeah, and I guess I'm back to looking for some low paying crap job Don't worry, honey You'll find one Dammit, Dan, I really wanted this, you know? I wanted it really, really bad

I know, Rosie It's not fair! I know, Jackie How come our lives always has to be the one that suck, huh? I don't know, Rosie How come we never get one little thing that we want? I don't know, Jackie This is all your fault, Jackie

My fault? Yeah, you're the one that dragged that damn ray of hope into this house I just can't believe it's gonna end like this There's got to be somebody to loan us the money How about Crystal and Ed? Nah They got three kids and a mortgage

Chuck and Anne-Marie He's still looking for work Gill and Penny? No, they're barely getting by like everybody else we know We've got to get a better class of friends [sighs] There's got to be somebody who can give us $10,000 like Mom did

Well, it's a awful lot of money What happened to the $10,000 I gave you last week? Aw, cripes, Mom, we blew that on candy and records Roseanne, I told you, it was a big mistake Now, hold on I didn't say no

Just give me a few minutes Well, now, you've got to use your imagination, Ma You know, you've got to like picture it full of people Yeah, it's gonna look way different full of people, Mom it's not gonna look so empty

Yes, Jackie, I suppose it is the kind of place your trucker friends would frequent Would you like to see the oven, Mom? I think I smell mice What are we doing? This is our dream We can't have a dream with Mom in it! Well, don't think about it as asking for her help Think of it as draining our nest egg

BEVERLY: This water is yellow! Oh god, oh god, oh god! I told you we shouldn't have brought her here! Listen, trust me, this is the perfect place to hit her up for money And if she says no, it's the perfect place to dump the body Well, I've decided I'm not going to lend you the money Big fat waste of time! However, what I will do is put up the $10,000 and become your fourth partner

But I want you to know, I'm not doing this for you I'm doing it for me [laughs] I never had a chance to do anything like this before So, do we have a deal? Deal This is where the thunder claps and the sky turns black

I'll write you a check tomorrow You know what would look great on these walls? Some paintings I've been doing Painting, I've been painting! Listen, now– now, listen, listen Just think of it like this, OK? From now on, you'll be able to write off your therapy as a business expense [theme music] [doorbell ringing] [knocking] Your little brother is doing it again

I told you I'd take care of it, and I did DJ! What are you calling him down here for? He'll never admit it Oh, he won't have to I put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope so he'll be branded for the deviant that he is What do you want? Brilliant plan

It should've worked Hey What?

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